“I Don’t Know.” Now What?

One coaching moment — and the very different conversations it can create in mentoring and supervision

Sometimes the distinction becomes clearest when we look at the very same coaching moment through three different lenses.

I am not so much an “ICF coach,” really.

That’s my problem… haha!

Part of me just rebels following all these ICF competencies.

Or perhaps there is something I don’t fully understand yet about what these competencies can make possible in the coaching conversation.

Perhaps both.

Right now, one area I am especially focused on is establishing the coaching agreement — particularly helping the client define what would make the session useful (PCC Marker 3.2).

It sounds simple.

Until the client says:

“I don’t know.”

And then something happens in me.

THE COACHING MOMENT

Yesterday, a client was describing several things happening for him.

Coach: “Of all that you’ve just described, what feels worth exploring today?”

Client: “I don’t really know the topic for today… perhaps how to prioritize independently.”

So I continued, wanting to establish a clearer coaching agreement and a measure of success:

Coach: “How would you know this conversation had been useful for you?”

Client: “I don’t know.”

Fxxk.

What do I do now, as coach?

The client doesn’t know.

Of course… many of them don’t know. And that is why they come to coaching! (I shouted internally.)

Yet somehow, as coach, I am supposed to help them know what they want from the session before we really start.

Part of me thinks:

This is so contradictory!

And another part of me is already looking at the clock.

I have 30 minutes.
I should establish the agreement in the first five or ten minutes.
If I really partner around this, it may take the whole session!

Welcome to my internal coaching world. 😊

What might happen in a mentoring conversation?

A mentoring conversation may help me look at my coaching choices.

What could I have done differently?

How could I demonstrate more partnership?

How could I ask the question in a way that helps the client access what matters?

I could see at least three possibilities.

Strategy 1: Escape

I (Coach) could say:

Coach: “It’s okay that you don’t know yet. What makes this topic important for you?”

Supportive.
Empathetic.
And convenient.

But perhaps I have actually just escaped.

I asked a question.
The client didn’t give me the answer I hoped for.
So I asked another one.

It can easily become:

Coach asks → client answers → coach asks another question.

Q&A.
Coach-led.

And my inner voice is still grumbling:

Hey… even if the client doesn’t know the outcome yet, there could still be tremendous value in simply wandering for a while!

Strategy 2: Offer some options

I (Coach) could say:

Coach: “Would it be helpful if I offered a few possibilities? Perhaps today is simply about exploring this more deeply, or leaving with one or two new insights. What resonates — or not?”

That feels more collaborative.

But I am also introducing possibilities.

Am I helping the client find language for something they already sense?

Or am I quietly doing some of the work for them?

Strategy 3: Ask the same question differently

Perhaps I (Coach) could make the question easier to enter.

Coach: “Let me ask that differently. If, by the end of our session, you understood a little more about how to prioritize independently, how might you feel differently?”

Client: “I think I would feel a bit more relieved.”

Ah.

There it is.

Coach: “Okay. Let’s start and see how we may — or may not — get you there.” 😊

Done.

Partnership.
Measure of success.
Point won!

My PCC-marker-loving part can relax for a moment. 😊

From a mentoring perspective, Strategy 3 seems the clear winner — at least in this moment.

It is more inviting.
More catalytic.
More responsive to the client.

Very useful.

And perhaps this is where the mentoring conversation might end.

But Supervision may begin somewhere else.

Instead of staying primarily with:

“What could you do differently?”

The supervisor might ask:

Supervisor: “What was happening between you and the client when they said, ‘I don’t know’?”

Eye 3: the relationship between coach and client.

Now the conversation changes.

Using Hawkins and Shohet’s Seven-Eyed Model, we begin looking at the relationship between coach and client.

I might initially say:

Coach: “We were equal partners.”

Then pause.

Equal partnership… really?

Actually, perhaps I was leading.

I asked the question.
The client was supposed to answer.
When they didn’t, I became uncomfortable.

I wanted to help.
I wanted to move forward.
I wanted to get somewhere.

Suddenly, we are no longer discussing only whether Strategy 1, 2 or 3 was the best coaching response.

We are looking at me in relationship with this client.

What is happening in the room?

The supervisor might say:

Supervisor: “As I listen to you, I notice some tightness in my neck. I wonder what happens in you when I reflect that back?”

Eye 6: what the supervisor is noticing in themselves.

And suddenly I notice my own body.

My neck is tight too.

Eye 4: what I, as the coach, am noticing in myself.

Coach: “Wow. I feel the same.”

And then more comes.

“Part of me is wondering… whose responsibility is this?”

“I don’t want to take over the client’s responsibility.”

“And yet it feels as if I have to make the question easier for them.”

“Is this about my coaching capability?”

“Or am I thinking too much and taking too much care of the client?”

“Could I simply leave it there when they say, ‘I don’t know’?”

And leave some blank space?

The supervisor might ask:

Supervisor: “What feels at risk if you leave that space open?”

And now the real answer appears.

Coach: “I’m afraid the client will think… ‘What am I doing here? This coach is not giving me any value.’”

Ah.

Now we are somewhere else.

The supervisor could take this in several directions.

Perhaps:

Supervisor: “If you knew you had value anyway, regardless of what the client thought in that moment, what might you do differently?”

Eye 2: the coach’s work.

I might say:

“I would slow down.”
“I would let the client decide what feels useful.”
“I could let the silence stay there longer.”
“I might simply reflect what I am hearing instead of trying to get somewhere.”

Perhaps the client has said they may have ADHD.

Eye 1: the client and their experience.

Instead of immediately trying to structure the session for them, I might become curious:

Coach: “When you say you might have ADHD, what does that mean for you?”

Maybe the client replies:

Client: “I notice I wander around without much focus, and I want to save time.”

Then perhaps I could reflect:

Coach: “So what seems to be emerging here? How to prioritize? How to focus?”

The client may find their own way toward the topic.

The client

turns inward.

But the supervisor could also take a different route.

Supervisor: “How is the client’s perceived value working on you?”

Eye 4: what is happening in the coach.

That one lands differently.

I pause.

And perhaps I realize:

“Part of me needs confirmation that the client wants to work with me.”

“That helps me feel that I have value.”

Now we are no longer talking primarily about coaching technique.

We are talking about:

my relationship with uncertainty,
my need to be useful,
my need for the client to perceive value,
and what I may unknowingly bring into the coaching space.

This is where supervision becomes fascinating for me.

Mentoring may ask: “How can I coach this better?”

Mentoring helps me strengthen my craft.

It may help me look at:

the questions I ask,
how I establish agreements,
how I listen,
how I partner,
and how I demonstrate coaching competencies more effectively.

The focus is often:

What did I do, and what could I do differently?

Very valuable.

But supervision may widen the lens.

It may ask:

What is happening in me?
What is happening in the client?
What is happening between us?
What am I carrying into this relationship?
What might belong to the client?
What might belong to the wider system?

And perhaps most importantly:

What becomes visible when we stop trying to fix the coaching and become curious about what is happening?

Coaching is different again

When I am coaching the client, the conversation primarily belongs to them.

Their world.
Their meaning.
Their choices.
Their discovery.

In mentoring, the focus may shift toward my coaching practice.

In supervision, the field becomes wider:

the client,
the coach,
the relationship,
the work,
and the wider system surrounding all of us.

So the questions become different.

Coaching may ask: “What is emerging for you?”

Mentoring may ask: “How could you work with this more skilfully?”

Supervision may ask: “What is happening here?”

That distinction matters to me.

Perhaps the competencies are not the problem

By the end of this reflection, something else becomes clear.

Maybe my real problem is not the ICF competencies.

Maybe the problem begins when I start performing them.

My internal frequency becomes:

I need to establish the agreement.
I need to reach the next marker.
I need to demonstrate competence.
I only have 30 minutes.
I need to get somewhere.

And suddenly, I am no longer fully with the client.

I am trying to achieve something.

My body knows it.

My neck tightens.
I speed up.
The space gets smaller.

And perhaps the answer is not to throw the competencies away.

Perhaps it is to practise them deeply enough that I can internalize them.

Then I don’t need to force partnership.

I can partner.

I don’t need to force the outcome.

I can create the conditions in which clarity may emerge.

I don’t need to rush past:

“I don’t know.”

Maybe I can simply stay there for a moment.

Trust the client.
Notice myself.
Allow more observation.
More reflection.
More space.

And let the coaching emerge naturally.

What I take away from supervision

The supervisor might eventually ask:

Supervisor: “What are you taking away?”

And my answer today would be:

I could slow down more.
I could stop rushing to complete all the PCC markers.
I could trust the client more.
I could notice the pressure I am bringing into the room.
I could ask myself whether I am serving the client — or serving my own need to achieve something.

Perhaps supervision does not always give us a better answer.

Sometimes it helps us notice the part of ourselves that was trying so hard to find one.

And when I notice that…

my neck softens.
The urgency softens.
The need to prove value softens.

And suddenly, there is more room for the client again.

The supervisor might notice it too.

Supervisor: “I sense something has softened.”

Me too. 😊

And perhaps that is one of the gifts of coaching supervision.

Not necessarily to tell us what to do.

But to help us see more of what is already happening — in the client, in ourselves, between us, and around us.

And from there, we have more choice.

If you are a coach who sometimes leaves a session wondering:

“What was really happening there — in my client, in me, and between us?”

That is exactly the kind of inquiry we can bring into coaching supervision.